It’s (unfortunately) pretty common for marriages to sour at some point after the sweet white wedding cake is cut. While you might be familiar with the often-referenced statistic that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, you may not know when those breakups most often happen. Turns out, “gray divorces” (a.k.a. splits after age 50) have more than doubled in recent years.
In 1990, 8.7 percent of all divorces happened among adults 50 and older, but by 2019, that number had grown to 36 percent, per research in The Journals of Gerontology co-authored by Susan Brown, PhD, a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University. There are a few reasons for this trend: For one thing, a large share of divorces are happening specifically within the Baby Boomer generation, adds Brown, or people born between 1946 and 1964, because of the 1970s divorce revolution in the United States.
During this time, legally separating from your spouse became a more socially acceptable and accessible way out of an unhappy marriage, says Brown. As attitudes around divorce shifted, women also gained more rights and financial independence with the passage of Title IX in 1972 and the Equal Credit Opportunity Act in 1974. It’s no coincidence that the divorce revolution happened alongside the women’s liberation movement—and the impact of both events is still felt today. “Women have options they didn’t have before,” says Kelly Cichy, PhD, a human development and family science professor at Kent State University. “Between paid employment and levels of education, there are options to walk away from a marriage that didn’t exist in the past.”
So, some boomers who married young got divorced in the 70s, and are getting divorced again because second marriages tend to be less stable, Brown says. Why? Chalk it all up to experience. “If you’ve divorced once, your norm about marriage and the idea that you have to stay in it ‘till death do us part’ is already a little bit weaker,” adds Cichy.
Additionally, people are living longer—the average life span rose from 70 years old in 1960 to 77.5 years old in 2022, per the CDC. So, the idea of staying in a difficult marriage for decades, especially when you can leave, is less appealing. This is especially true for people over 50, who may be living longer, but in worse health and sometimes involving chronic conditions, per a study in The Journals of Gerontology. Women, in particular, are awakening to the reality that marriage—especially later in life—involves a great deal of caretaking, Cichy says. If you are already unhappy with the quality of your marriage, continuing to deal with your spouse “in sickness and health” is not as enticing.
And, of course, individual humans evolve throughout their lives, which can cause couples to grow apart, and, eventually, call it quits, says Brown. In fact, this is often the main reason for “gray divorce,” rather than a particular event or transgression, like adultery, she adds.
Divorce at any age is difficult, but it can be especially tough if you’re going through it later in life—here’s how to cope.
Experiencing gray divorce creates obstacles that aren’t there earlier in life.
The longer you’re with someone, the more difficult it can be to disentangle yourselves, says Cichy. That’s why gray divorce is sometimes compared to widowhood. “It’s, in a sense, the same feeling of loss when you’ve been with someone [for] 25 to 30 years,” says Cichy. “You have a shared life that will be dramatically altered by your relationship ending, no matter how it does end.”
Plus, the later in life this change happens, the less time you have to recoup the losses of a divorce, emotionally or financially, says Brown. Meanwhile, you may have more difficulty moving on. Younger people tend to bounce back from divorce in a year or two, while it takes older adults more like four years, according to Brown’s research. This can be for many reasons—when you are younger, the dating pool is larger, and just generally speaking, younger people are more adaptable to change. Combine that with the length of time you’ve been with someone, and it can be a harsh shift, says Brown.
There is also the real concern of finances when divorcing, particularly for women. “Women tend to have lower wealth accumulation. Even though [women] are working at higher rates and have higher levels of education, men still outearn women,” says Cichy. The gender pay gap is partly to blame, but other factors also cause financial strain. While women made 76 percent as much as men, they owned 36 percent as much in assets, according to a study in the Oxford University Press. This is because men have more access to opportunities to grow their wealth, and women are more likely to shoulder the economic burden that comes with being a single parent—even if they were previously partnered.
It’s essential to take care of yourself when navigating gray divorce—here’s how.
Build a support system.
Surrounding yourself with friends and family is crucial during this time, says Cichy, because social isolation increases the risk of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even memory loss. People with strong social networks also live longer than those who spend a large share of their time alone, says Cichy. Try to set a weekly appointment with friends or family, so you always have something to look forward to. Or, join a local club, fitness studio, or other class to help you find folks with similar interests.
Find a therapist.
Through the divorce process and adjustment to your new life, seeking therapy can be helpful, says Cichy. A therapist can help you identify what went wrong in your marriage and help you heal for your relationship with yourself, as well as future significant others. “Conflict management [and] how we manage stress and anxiety can be discussed in therapy,” she adds.
Therapy can help you rebuild positive reinforcement, which is often lost when you separate from a partner, says Cichy. Positive reinforcement is basically recognition or reflection back when you’ve done a good job. It can help you to feel seen, says Cichy, and oftentimes your spouse fills this role for you in adulthood, picking up where your parents left off. If you are single, it is important to work on ways to build up your own resources to give yourself this love and recognition.
Make a financial plan.
One of the most stressful parts of divorce tends to be navigating finances. Meet with a financial advisor if you have the resources to do so, Cichy says. Or, if you don’t, find free resources online, like the FDIC’s database of educational resources. That way, you have assistance with budgeting, saving, and analysis of your current assets that can help make the transition to supporting yourself easier, she says.
Make a plan for your health care.
It’s vital to appoint a health care proxy, just in case you ever get to a point where you’re unable to make your own choices about your medical care, says Cichy. Many times, this person is your spouse. When you divorce, you must find another person to take on this role, like an adult child, another family member, or a friend.
Also, if you share health insurance with your spouse, that can create another obstacle. If you are of retirement age, you may be able to transition to Medicare, available for those 65 and up. But if you’re not, you’ll likely need to find your own plan, or a new job to fund your medical care, says Cichy.
Consider your future.
Divorce can be anxiety-inducing, to say the least, but it doesn’t have to be all gloom and doom, says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Colorado. This can be an exciting time of renewal and personal freedom because you can finally focus on just yourself (again). “When people come into life transitions, they naturally think, ‘Okay, who am I now? What do I want in this next chapter of my life?’ And maybe it’s not married anymore, which is valid,” says Bobby. “It can be a scary prospect, but for some people, it can be incredibly liberating.”
To begin answering these questions, write out your goals and desired feelings for the next phase of their life on a piece of paper, says Bobby. If you’re interested in learning a new skill, find a local group or class to attend. Want to travel more? Start saving money and pick your next destination. Life can open up after divorce, says Bobby, and the options for growth are limitless.
While gray divorce can certainly be difficult, it’s not without silver linings (pun intended). Choosing yourself is a brave and important decision at any age. Everyone deserves happiness—and you certainly don’t need to be married to achieve that goal.
Meet the Experts: Susan Brown, PhD, is a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University. Kelly Cichy, PhD, is a human development and family science professor at Kent State University. Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Colorado.
Jacqueline Tempera is an award-winning writer and reporter living in New Jersey with her many pets. She is a business owner and a double Scorpio who loves all things astrology and reality television. She is passionate about body diversity and representation, mental health, and the fight to end sexual assault and harassment. To learn more about Jackie, follow her on Instagram @jacktemp or visit her website at jackietempera.com.
