Take a moment and think back to some of the best, most intimate sexual experiences you’ve ever had. Sure, they still might’ve involved some kind of vaginal or anal penetration, but chances are, they included some other activities, too: I’m talking oral sex, sensual touching, clitoral or nipple stimulation, or even some light sensory play.
All of these acts fall under the umbrella of “outercourse,” which basically means they’re ways to have sex without penetration. While some people might dub these activities “foreplay,” that word is a bit misleading: Rather than being something you do to warm up before you have sex, these activities are actually all sexual acts on their own, says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a sex therapist and licensed psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. “Foreplay implies that you’re doing something to lead up to the ‘main event,’ when outercourse can be that main event.”
Some couples might enjoy mixing outercourse and intercourse (that is, penetration via a penis or strap-on dildo), but it’s also possible to have (incredible) sex without any penetration at all. “You can define sex however you’d like to, because it’s a personal experience. But I do think that you’re still having sex even if there’s no penetration involved,” says Gigi Engle, a COSRT-certified sex therapist and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide To Sex, Love, and Life. “A lot of people don’t even have penetrative sex as a part of their sex lives.”
Maybe outercourse isn’t a big part of your sex life—or maybe, you view it as a sexual appetizer, so to speak. But there’s a strong argument for treating it as the main course. Ahead, sex therapists explain how non-penetrative sex can enhance your relationship, sexual satisfaction, and more.
The (Many, Many) Benefits Of Outercourse
A big benefit, of course, is that outercourse allows people to have sex if “penetration isn’t possible or not desired,” says Needle. There are lots of reasons why someone might not want to receive penetration. Up to 28 percent of people with vulvas experience dyspareunia, or pain during intercourse, at some point in their lifetimes, per one 2023 study. —and for others, intercourse might just not feel pleasurable.
For others, intercourse might just not feel pleasurable—or it feels fine, but it doesn’t reliably lead to orgasm. “A vast, vast majority of people with a clitoris are not going to orgasm from vaginal penetration,” says Engle. Data backs this up, too: Over 36 percent of women report that they need clitoral contact in order to orgasm, and an additional 36 percent say that their orgasms feel better if their clit is stimulated, according to a study from 2018.
Because of this, many women in heterosexual relationships might think they have a lower sex drive than their partner, says Engle. But really, they could just prefer a kind of stimulation that might be treated as “foreplay,” or not included in a sexual experience at all. “If you’re just doing the same sexual routine—and specifically, if you’re not getting the stimulation you need to orgasm, but you think this is how you’re supposed to be doing it—you’re automatically going to have a lower desire for sex,” Engle says. Basically, outercourse activities (like oral sex, grinding or humping, and external fingering) can help bridge the still-present orgasm gap, and treating these activities with the same seriousness as penetration can help make sex more enjoyable for everyone.
And yes, I mean everyone! Even in sexual dynamics wherein one person has a penis and the other has a vulva, outercourse can benefit both parties. “It doesn’t just benefit people with clitorises to deprioritize penetration [during sex],” says Engle. “It can take so much pressure off people with penises, too, to know that their performance during penetrative sex is not going to be the way we value a successful sexual experience.”
Basically, spending more time on outercourse can create a “more relaxed and enjoyable” environment for both partners, which can reduce a lot of anxiety-related issues, like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or struggles to orgasm, adds Needle. And this kind of environment can build emotional closeness, too. After all, you’re devoting a lot of importance to simply touching and taking your time with each other’s bodies, which can lead to increased intimacy and increased pleasure, Needle says.
FYI: Taking penetration off the table doesn’t mean you should ditch your trusty safe sex practices. While outercoursecan help prevent unwanted pregnancy, many STIs can still be transmitted. “The one STI that you’re not really at risk of getting with outercourse is HIV, which is passed through the sharing of sexual fluids,” says Engle. “A lot of STIs, such as the herpes virus and HPV, are passed skin-to-skin. So, if you’re not using barrier methods, you are still at risk of contracting those STIs.”
Finally, outercourse can help make your sex life less predictable, especially in a long-term relationship or marriage. “Sex can become routine,” says Lori Buckley, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Pasadena. “But if you experiment with, say, dry humping, you can create anticipation and remind each other of what it was like when you first met.”
How To Make Outercourse The Main Event
If you’re looking to focus more on non-penetrative forms of sex, you’ve got options (lots of ’em). First, you’ll want to tell your partner that you want to try spending more time on outercourse—or stop/take a break from penetration altogether—outside of a sexual setting. Needle recommends starting with a compliment, and then being clear with your request. You can use a script like, I love having sex with you; it always feels so good whenever we kiss, and whenever we go down on each other. I’d love to spend more time doing activities like X, Y, and Z without penetration. And then, use the opportunity to ask your partner what they’d like, too.
Then, here are a few activities you can try:
Sensual Massage
“Genital stimulation is important, but so is teasing, anticipation, and the eroticism of doing something you’re not used to,” including touching new erogenous zones, says Buckley. Needle recommends using different massage oils and lotions to experiment with new sensations.
And while a mutual massage can be sexy, it’s also okay for the emphasis to be on one person at a time. “I think there’s a prescription that says everybody needs to be the focus of a sexual experience,” says Engle, but that doesn’t have to be the case—as long as both people generally feel pleasured and fulfilled in their shared sex life, it’s okay to take turns focusing on each other.
Mutual Masturbation
If you enjoy the feeling of masturbating with your hands or a toy alone, just imagine how hot it will be when you do it with your partner. “Watching each other masturbate allows couples to learn about each other’s pleasure preferences, and it can also build intimacy and open communication about what feels good,” says Needle. “Also, it can be super hot, seeing [your partner] pleasure themself while you pleasure yourself.”
There are tons of ways to try this with a partner, BTW. You can try just laying next to each other while you both masturbate, or one person can help the other out by kissing them or holding their toy in place, suggests Engle.
Oral Sex
Yep, oral sex—including cunnilingus, fellatio, and analingus—counts as outercourse! You can even try going down on each other at the same time, or 69-ing.
But, a mutual oral pro tip: “Because there’s so much going on when you’re both giving and receiving, it can be difficult for some people to orgasm doing that,” says Engle. So, even if you both have a fun time trying it out, “don’t put pressure on yourself that both of you have to finish in that position.”
Dry Humping
For many people with vulvas, “their original masturbation technique was to hump a pillow or the side of a couch,” says Engle. “That was a way of getting the pressure on your clitoris that’s needed to orgasm. So I think that people who primarily use a pressure-style masturbation technique would really enjoy dry humping.”
Dry humping is exactly what it sounds like: rubbing your body, or specifically your clitoris, against your partner. And yep, you can even do this while wearing underwear, or other clothing. “Any sort of outer stimulation with clothes on, or minimal clothing, allows couples to feel close and aroused—it can create a sense of playfulness, and the friction often enhances pleasure,” says Needle.
Just note that if you are keeping your clothes on, you might want to mind the material. “Cotton is going to feel better [against your skin] than wool. And loose-fitting pants are going to rub right, while jeans might cause pain,” says Buckley. She recommends wearing satin, silk, or cotton to experience the best sensations.
Sensory Play
And on that note, outercourse provides a lot of opportunities to play around with sensations. Engle suggests incorporating a blindfold—which can also just be something you have lying around already, like a T-shirt—and having the non-blindfolded person experiment with different sensations, like temperature play. “You could put a stainless steel dildo in the fridge to make it cold or warm it up under the tap,” and then run it along your partner’s skin, for instance, she says. “It can open you up to understanding things that might bring you pleasure that you may not have known.”
Sex Toys
When it comes to sex toys, you have tons and tons of options at your disposal. “Get creative with your equipment,” says Engle. Toys like wand and clit vibrators don’t just have to be used on the genital area; you can also use them on erogenous zones like your or your partner’s nipples, sex therapist Ian Kerner, PhD, previously told Women’s Health. And while you don’t want to jump headfirst into BDSM without a little research and some conversations, you can always try some “light kink” like gentle spanking with a flogger. “Trying out these different tools, with the mindset that you’re deep in exploration—and maybe you’ll like something, and it’s okay if you don’t—is all about just figuring stuff out together,” she says.
After all, one of the beautiful things about outercourse is you’re ditching the sexual script. Ultimately, you’re “reframing the whole experience of sex” as not just one activity that you’re leading up towards, Engle says, but “an adventure you’re having together, to bring you closer and experience more pleasure.”
Meet the Experts: Rachel Needle, PsyD, is a sex therapist and licensed psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. Gigi Engle is a COSRT-certified sex therapist and author of All the f*cking mistakes. Lori Buckley, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Pasadena.
Lydia Wang is the love & life editor at Women’s Health, where she writes and edits stories about all things sex, relationships, queerness, and sex tech. Her debut romance novel, Here For The Wrong Reasons, was published this year.
