After her mother was diagnosed with dementia, Shon Lowe was heartbroken, knowing she may have to watch her mother slowly slip away. But relying on her faith and a commitment to make every day matter, Shon discovered a unique way to juggle the care of her own young kids and her mother, while honoring and preserving their lifelong bond.
Love and resilience as a sandwich generation caregiver
Shon Lowe couldn’t help but grin when her mother walked into the kitchen, dressed and ready for breakfast. “You put your pants on backwards,” she said gently to her mother Theresa, 68, hoping that it wouldn’t hurt her feelings. Instead, Theresa let out a deep laugh, immediately transforming the moment into something light and joyful. Shon has been caring for her mother since Theresa’s dementia diagnosis four years ago, and she has come to rely on laughter to find strength during some of their hardest days. Here, Shon shares more of her caregiving journey in her own words:
“My mom has always been one of the funniest and most positive people I’ve known, and along with the pure joy of sharing a belly laugh in tense situations, I always feel like her sense of humor is her way of caring for me too. We both love each other deeply. But so much has changed in our lives these past four years. “I’m a wife and mother of young children living in a multigenerational household. I’m smack in the ‘sandwich generation,’ where I drive school carpools, help with homework and search for Christmas gifts for my whole family, while also being a full-time caregiver to my mom. I juggle her doctors’ appointments and medicine, and make sure she’s safe and comfortable.”
“While there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my loved ones, caring for my mother and wanting to do all I can to ensure her well-being has impacted my own financial, emotional and physical well-being. “After Mom’s dementia diagnosis, I decided she’d come first and our plans would follow second, which is necessary and frustrating. There have been instances where we’ve had to postpone family dinners or miss sporting events because something related to Mom gets in the way. I often wind up feeling disappointed and guilty that I had to alter my family’s plans to care for her. It makes me feel trapped in a cyclone of emotions.”
“Even trying to plan the holidays this year has been extra emotional. I’m afraid to make plans, because I never know what will happen or how she will feel.”
“But I’ve learned the beauty of meeting Mom where she is. So when we enjoy traditions like our annual holiday dinner, I also make sure there’s a quiet spot for Mom to gather her emotions. The loud, chaotic gatherings that she once loved are now overwhelming for her.”
Adjusting to a new normal
“Just weeks into my journey as a caregiver, I learned that when you’re tending to the needs of your loved one—as well as wrangling kids and family responsibilities—it’s easy to neglect yourself. That neglect got to me this year, as I’ve had some minor health issues. Caregiving is even harder when you’re not feeling your best, so self-care is crucial. It helps me to journal, meditate or get five minutes of exercise—even walking around the house.”
“It also helps to remember that I’m not alone. I thank God for my support system of friends and family. A year ago, I started attending a support group to connect to others navigating a similar road as me, and it’s been comforting having those resources.”
“Every time I feel like I’m losing myself in my role as a caregiver, I remind myself that I’ll never get this time with Mom back. I’ll say a quick prayer asking for strength, patience and clarity, allowing my faith to fuel me when I’m not sure how I’ll get through a tough day.”
“I’ve also learned to look at our relationship differently. I cherish the time we have together laughing and working on our podcast, T&L WTD ‘Let’s Talk About It’—which stands for ‘Terrie & Laurie Walking the Talk for Dementia,’ and is recorded with our friend, Laurie Waters, president of the Paint Clover Purple Dementia Association.
“I want to preserve Mom’s voice as long as possible and preserve her story for future generations. Whether we’re podcasting, scheduling appointments or getting ready for our annual day-after-Christmas shopping trip, I relish the moments I’m with her. That love and devotion is what bonds us forever.”
