Alongside festive films and homemade meals, time spent with family is often one of the most significant parts of the holiday season. However, the most wonderful time of the year can also be one of the most nerve-wracking, especially if *specific* relatives are invited to the get-together (you know who). Disagreements are normal, especially around the holidays. But, before you RSVP to your family’s plans, it’s important to understand the difference between a family feud, and a toxic family relationship.
When you think of unhealthy relationships, a romantic one might come to mind. But toxic partnerships aren’t just romantic—toxicity knows no bounds and can live anywhere, from friendships to your workplace to your family, says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Colorado and the author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction To An Ex Love. In fact, “relations with one’s family are perhaps the most complicated as they may contain underlying problems that have been harmful for generations,” says Brooke Keels, PhD, chief clinical officer of Lighthouse Recovery in Texas.
Having a difficult family dynamic during childhood or as an adult can greatly affect one’s mental health and self-worth, says Keels. This toxicity can look like many things—including disapproval, emotional abandonment, or unrealistic demands—and “can lead to low self-esteem, stress, and depression,” Keels adds.
The longer you’ve sustained this behavior, the harder it can be to heal from it. “Toxic patterns from childhood don’t stay locked in the past; they evolve into the struggles you face today,” Bobby says. “Even toxic dynamics in adulthood—like an overbearing parent—can erode your sense of self over time.”
People who haven’t healed from toxic familial relationships might also find themselves in toxic or unhealthy romantic relationships, too. If caring parents teach their children how to build and maintain positive relationships, they’re more likely to have healthier relationships as young adults, according to a 2018 study conducted by Penn State. “So, if this was unhealthily modeled to you by a toxic family member, there’s a chance you’ll have difficulty in romantic relationships,” says Dana McNeil, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of San Diego Couples Therapy.
While all unhealthy relationships can be difficult to spot, with toxic family members, there’s often an added layer of disbelief. Many people have a hard time believing and accepting that a family member would hurt them, says McNeil. Even though destructive relatives can take many different forms, knowing how to identify one might help you take the first step toward detaching. Read on for the most common signs of a toxic family member—and how to heal, according to therapists.
The Signs of a Toxic Family Member
Oftentimes, a toxic family member can have ruthless tendencies like aggression and vindictiveness—however, it’s important to note that this is not necessarily the same thing as abuse. “Toxicity in relationships can show itself as ineffective communication, anger escalation, or disrespect towards one another, whereas abuse is systematically directed by one person over another when the dominant party is subjected to emotional, physical, or mental harm,” says Keels.
Learning the differences between these two behaviors can help you seek remedies or interventions appropriately, she adds. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, it’s important to prioritize safety. Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or hotline, having someone to walk alongside you is essential, Bobby says. You can find free, discreet direction and help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Here are some signs that a toxic family member might be impacting your mental health and well-being, per therapists.
They frequently criticize you.
While constructive criticism can help you grow as an individual, if a family member has a habit of condemning your life choices, your past, or things about you that are out of your control, this could confirm your relative’s toxicity. “Receiving negative comments regularly puts a strain on your self-image because you begin to doubt your skills and authority,” says Keels. Perhaps they consistently judge your physical appearance. Or maybe, they underestimate your intelligence by questioning your career choices. They could even go so far as to air out your dirty laundry with other relatives.
“This unending undermining easily makes one feel useless and insecure, which can cause low self-esteem, anxiety, and potentially even depression,” Keels adds.
They don’t support you.
Friends can come and go, but when it comes to family, you shouldn’t have to question whether they’ll support you or not. “When a friend doesn’t appreciate your success or support you during difficult times, it can be lonely, and heartbreaking,” Keels says. But if a family member actively discourages you, a more permanent rift occurs, which can eventually lead to a greater feeling of isolation, she adds.
During major life moments, you expect your family to be in your corner. However, sometimes your choice doesn’t align with their values—for instance, maybe you’re excited to move to a new city for a cool job opportunity, but they may want you closer to home. While a healthy relative will support you, even if they don’t agree with or understand your decision, a toxic one will actively voice their disapproval and drive you to question your choice.
If you’ve grown up in an unsupportive family, this could prohibit your ability to make decisions for yourself, and instead lead you to rely on others to tell you what to do, McNeil says.
They make you feel guilty.
One of the clearest signs of toxicity is when a family member tries to control you. To be clear, if a relative is using tactics like monitoring your time or depriving you of your basic needs, this is abuse and not toxicity, says Keels. But in a toxic relationship, a family member might try to control you through guilt.
“Guilt is just one of the tools commonly used in emotional blackmail,” Keels adds. “This entails making you do something or not do something based on fear, feeling trapped, or feeling obligated. Manipulative guilt uses shame to control your emotions and make you agree to their hopes for you.” For example, maybe your parent makes you feel guilty for missing a last-minute family event when you don’t have the money to travel. Having a family member use guilt and their own emotions to influence your choices on a toxic level can significantly limit your freedom and personal growth, she says.
If you find yourself overly concerned about someone else’s feelings—at the expense of your own—this is a sign that you grew up in or are currently in an unhealthy dynamic, Keels says.
You feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable around them.
Anytime you have a negative physiological response to someone (i.e., your mind starts racing, you start breathing more quickly, or you feel lightheaded or sweaty), this is generally a warning sign that this person creates emotional dysregulation for you, Keels says. “These behaviors are [your body’s] coping responses to having a familial relationship with someone who is not emotionally stable,” she adds. Your body is going into fight-or-flight mode—a sign that, basically, you don’t feel at peace around this person.
What To Do About A Toxic Familial Relationship
If an unhealthy familial relationship has already developed into an abusive one, typically, you’ll need to cut off contact to start healing. But if you believe your relative can evolve into a more supportive and healthy presence in your life, there are steps you both can take to address the toxicity, Bobby says.
Use “I” statements.
The first thing you’ll want to do is bring up your feelings about your relationship, and how it’s impacted you. When talking to your toxic family member about certain issues, using “I” statements can make the person feel less targeted and more susceptible to reform, McNeil says. Rather than using accusatory language like “you always…” or “you never…,” McNeil suggests “talking specifically about the words you heard, the behaviors you experienced, and asking for what you need, clearly,” she adds. “This form of communication can ensure your relative’s character doesn’t feel attacked.”
Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
During this conversation, identify clear rules on what you will tolerate and what you won’t, says Keels. “Clear limits help prevent confusion, anger, and/or disappointment in the family concerning what is allowed and what is not,” she says. For instance, say a family member has a pattern of commenting on your weight or physical appearance. Next time you contact them, set a boundary right away to avoid conflict later: “If you comment on my body during our next FaceTime, I’m going to hang up.”
”If a relative agrees to respect your boundaries—and then proves that they do—this could restore trust in your relationship and prevent future confrontations,” says Keels.
To make sure you both continue to obey your needs, write down these boundaries so you can review them every time you expect to see this person, McNeil suggests. “This list can be carried with you as a resource to check in and make sure you’re honoring yourself,” she says.
Boundaries aren’t about punishment; they’re about preservation, Bobby says. You can even share this sentiment with your relative: Tell them you’re not trying to punish them, your only goal is to repair the relationship. “Boundaries protect your emotional space so you can grow, heal, and thrive. Even if the other person doesn’t change, you can change how you engage with them,” Bobby says.
Go to family therapy.
You might’ve heard about attending couples therapy with a partner if you’re unhappy with certain patterns in a romantic relationship. But in that same vein, going to therapy with a relative can help create a safe space to discuss any recurring conflicts, Keels says.
“Family therapy could enhance effective communication and help identify toxic factors,” Keels explains. “During therapy, relatives can share their opinions and emotions regarding the issues held within the family—and it aids in figuring out and solving long-standing arguments that may be detrimental to the relationships.” So long as both sides are willing to show up and do the work to build a healthier relationship, therapy can make a major difference, Bobby says.
Use the gray rock method.
In therapy, your counselor might recommend giving the gray rock method a try. This behavioral strategy means choosing to disengage from a negative person or situation. “If you avoid getting upset and instead, act as if what they say just rolls off you, then they won’t be instigated by your emotional reactions,” McNeil says. Over time, there’s a chance they’ll reduce their criticism or comments, she adds.
Accept the things you can’t change.
Even if you’re related, remember: Sometimes, you and your family member just won’t be on the same page, Keels says. So, it’s important to remember that you can’t change a person. While you can discuss your needs and boundaries, suggest therapy, and try to change your reactions to their behaviors, only they can feel encouraged enough to mature, she adds.
“This is the key to finding peace with someone who treats you in a toxic manner,” Keels says. “If you accept you can’t control other people’s behaviors, and they still treat you with disrespect, you might want to evaluate how important they actually are to you.” Is it worth it to invest your energy into someone toxic if they can’t meet you halfway?
When (And How) To Cut Ties
If you try all these remedies—set boundaries, seek therapy, communicate openly—and nothing seems to change, the best option might be to separate from this person. “It is necessary to protect yourself and understand that sometimes, being in such a relationship, whether it’s familial or romantic, only hurts more than helps,” says Keels. “When efforts to fix or agree on acceptable behaviors do not work, it may be time to make a decision that will involve removing them from your life.”
Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with behavior you wouldn’t tolerate elsewhere in your life. Think of it this way: If you wouldn’t spend time with someone if you weren’t related to them (and didn’t feel obligated to), then that person may be toxic, says McNeil. Relationships of all kinds are supposed to add to your life, not deplete your energy, Bobby adds.
But severing relations with any individual, let alone a family member, can be a sensitive decision to make and one that needs to be done with the utmost care, says Keels. And it can be challenging, too. “If you feel obligated to stick around because of a relative’s age, society’s belief about family bonds, or just the sense of loyalty created over time, disconnecting could be especially difficult,” McNeil adds. At the same time, this is a very healthy and appropriate choice if letting go of your attachment to this relationship leads to your emotional well-being and inner peace, Bobby says.
If you feel like this is right move for you, here are some steps you can take to make the process as smooth as possible:
Write a pros-and-cons list about your relationship with your relative.
A pros-and-cons list can help determine whether your relative should be in your life, Keels says. You can also narrow down what needs to change in order to reach a healthy relationship. “Then evaluate, is this something you can achieve, or do you need to accept you can’t change others and move on?” says Keels. You might choose to bring your list to a therapist or an unbiased person who can help you evaluate the viability of the relationship changing, she said.
If you decide to cut ties, get support.
Cutting off a relative can open a terrifying can of worms with your family beyond this one specific relative, Keels says. So, to prepare yourself for any backlash, make sure your support system is strong and reliable. “Find the aid of trusted friends, reliable family, and therapists who have your best interest at heart,” she adds.
These people can also make sure you don’t end up in this position again. Tell them why you’re cutting out this relative, and “allow them to hold you accountable for your future behavior, but to also be a sounding board when you’re unsure if your boundaries are being crossed,” Keels says.
If you’re able to, go no-contact.
At this point, your relative’s toxic behavior has likely become a major stressor and challenge in your life. So, stand firm in your decision to cut ties and go no-contact—and if it helps you do so, remind yourself (and the other person) that this can be temporary, too. Whether you’re looking for a break or a complete end to your relationship, Keels recommends being direct about your demands and expectations to “avoid misunderstandings,” she says.
To ease the pressure of this stressful decision, consider practicing your no-contact request with your therapist, Keels says. Whether you and your therapist create a list of demands or have a trial-run conversation, this can help your choice feel less intense. This can also ensure every necessary boundary is set and your reasoning is clear, straightforward, and concise, she says.
Now, without your family member’s presence in your life, you can get back in touch with who you are, independent of the relationship. “If it’s meant to be, the relationship will be served by minimally taking a break so each person can rebuild a sense of self and emotional regulation,” Keels said.
Regardless of which path sounds right for you, at the end of the day, you can be proud of yourself for breaking the cycle of toxicity—and look forward to healthier relationships (familial, and otherwise) in the future.
Meet the experts: Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, is the founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Colorado and the author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction To An Ex Love. Brooke Keels, PhD, is the chief clinical officer of Lighthouse Recovery in Texas. Dana McNeil, PsyD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of San Diego Couples Therapy.
Meguire Hennes is a freelance lifestyle journalist specializing in fashion news, celebrity style, dating, and wellness (her Libra moon won’t let her settle on one beat). She received a B.A. in fashion studies from Montclair State University, and her words can be found in Bustle, The Zoe Report, Elite Daily, Byrdie, and more. When she’s not debunking a new TikTok wellness trend or praising Zendaya’s latest red carpet look, you can find her in yoga class, reading a cutesy romance novel, or playing Scrabble with her puppy in her lap.
