How—And Why—You Should Form Intergenerational Friendships

While this type of friendship is pretty common—37 percent of adults have a close friend with someone from a different generation, according to an AARP survey—intergenerational friendships might not be something you naturally gravitate toward. After all, you spend the formative years of your life with people your age at school and college. Then afterwards, you usually become friends with people in similar life stages as you, like other moms in your kids’ class, says Marc Schulz, PhD, a psychology professor at Bryn Mawr College and associate director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

Rest assured, it’s easier to form intergenerational friendships than you might think—and it’s totally worth it.

The Case For Intergenerational Friendships

There are tons of benefits to having friends of different generations, no matter your age. Younger people can receive advice about how to handle challenges they’ll face later in life, like navigating marriage or buying a house, and life stages, such as parenthood and menopause, says Schulz.

Older individuals, on the other hand, can learn new, modern ways of thinking and enjoy remembering their youthful experiences, he adds. “Connecting across generational divides lets us understand why our perspective and views may be different,” Schulz says. These conversations help you expand your knowledge in important ways and give you a meaningful and energizing sense of connection that can help you relate better to other people in your friend’s generation, he says.

Plus, friendships with those around your age “can be challenging because you’re wondering if you’re keeping up with friends” in similar life stages, says Charlynn Ruan, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group. Like, if you’re single but your friends are all getting engaged, you might have anxiety that you’re “falling behind” in life. However, this pressure doesn’t exist with friends in a different generation because you’re on separate life paths.

Additionally, “we may feel the need to change our personalities or behavior because we’re expected [to] show up a certain way around our peers,” says Minaa B. People naturally seek a sense of belonging amongst peers, so you may feel more pressure to abide by your peers’ cultural norms, fashion trends, and hobbies.

Intergenerational friendships, however, can create space to just be yourself because what a Gen Zer might consider cool often differs from what a Millennial or Boomer thinks. So an intergenerational friendship can help old and young souls alike feel a sense of freedom if they don’t relate to the norms in their age groups, says Minaa B.

Intergenerational friendships can also help pass on cultural traditions and teach youth about their backgrounds, specifically in BIPOC communities, Minaa B. adds. Cultural recipes are often passed down in this way, especially for people who may not have access to older relatives. Younger individuals may also learn about historical events that shaped their community’s views and sense of resilience from an intergenerational friendship, Minaa B. says.

Like all types of friendships, intergenerational ones have mental health benefits, too, especially for those who are lonely. People with meaningful friendships are less likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, according to the American Psychological Association. Plus, the best predictor of health and psychological well-being is your connection to others, according to Schulz’s 86-year-long study of thousands of people across time.

Intergenerational friendships can especially increase feelings of connectedness when they provide a support system of guidance from older individuals to younger folks who don’t have familial mentors. This relationship can often fill the gap left by an absent parental figure, says Minaa B. Older individuals experience unique benefits from intergenerational relationships, too, Schulz says. For example, having someone ask how you’re doing physically, check that you went to your doctor’s appointment, or notice differences in your energy may reveal something important about your physical and emotional state.

How To Make Intergenerational Friendships

Regardless of context, if you want to form an intergenerational friendship with someone, “all it takes is being interested in other people, asking questions, and paying attention,” says Schulz. But make sure to connect without an agenda, Ruan says.

For instance, if you’re interested in an older professional’s career trajectory, don’t just slide into their LinkedIn DMs saying, “Hi, I was wondering if you could be my mentor, and here’s a list of ten specific questions I’d love for you to answer.” Instead, express genuine interest in getting to know them and extend an offer to help them out in some way, too.

Also, it’s important not to assume you have little in common due to someone’s age. “You may both have kids even if you’re twenty and they’re fifty—life experiences can line up even if age doesn’t,” says Ruan.

Here are some specific ways to make intergenerational friends:

Turn a coworker into an OOO friend.

The easiest way to form intergenerational friendships is by striking up conversations, so if you have a coworker you like, chat with them and eventually take that relationship out of the office. “Learn what things you have in common, and then connect over that,” Ruan says.

One way to do this is by taking note of coworkers’ habits and personal belongings—like their daily cup of coffee or pictures of their family—and asking specific questions about them.

Another idea: Take advantage of gatherings your employer organizes. Chat them up at these events, and once you have a rapport with a coworker, be direct in asking to see them outside of work, Ruan says. Say something like: “I really enjoy chatting with you. Would you want to grab coffee sometime this week?”

Think about where you hang out in your free time.

Examine the third spaces you inhabit—meaning, social environments that are not work or home—to determine if you’re likely to meet someone from another generation there. Bars might attract a younger crowd, but bookstore events, hiking clubs, community service, places of worship, and sports meetups can appeal to all ages.

When you see someone you want to approach, break the ice by complimenting their outfit, or commenting on something funny happening at the event. Or, go the old-fashioned route and just introduce yourself, then ask what brought them to the event.

Use social media.

Social media can also be a useful tool for connecting with people from all age demographics. Experts suggest trying the following:

• Facebook groups to find local community league sports teams
• Instagram Reels to find local group activities, like City Girls Who Walk, a collective of women of all ages in New York, Washington, D.C., and Chicago who gather for weekly strolls.
• Bumble For Friends
• Eventbrite events
• ​​Responding to someone’s Instagram story to start chatting via DMs

Many of these avenues will automatically bring you together in person, but if you’re meeting a stranger through an online event or exchanging messages with someone else in your social network, you may have to initiate an in-person connection yourself. It might feel a little bold to suggest a coffee get-together, so try inviting them to a local event or gathering with other people they might get along with, Ruan says. Try, “Hey, there’s this event happening soon—I wanted to invite you if you’re interested because it seems like something we would both enjoy, and I would love to meet you in person.”

Take continuing education classes at a local university, smaller workshops, or online classes.

These classes appeal to people of all ages, not just college students. This is a great idea because 1) the classes will be filled with people who already share a common interest with you and 2) you’ll also get to actually speak with them through group discussions in a psychology class, or casual conversation in a cooking class.

During these conversations, share tidbits about your personal life to see what resonates with others so that you can start a rapport. You can also mention events that you might attend that are related to the class’s topic, like a slam poetry event if you’re taking an English literature class. Others may be interested in these events as well, which presents you with a natural opportunity to suggest attending it together.

Ultimately, intergenerational friendships have so much to offer us. Forming these friendships is an exciting way to expand your social life and learn from people you otherwise might not have met.

Meet the Experts: Minaa B., LMSW, is a licensed social worker and author of Owning Our Struggles. Marc Schulz, PhD, is a psychology professor at Bryn Mawr College and associate director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Charlynn Ruan, PhD, isa clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group.

Jacqueline LeKachman is a New York-based writer and high school English teacher who has contributed to The Washington Post, HuffPost, WIRED, Business Insider, Newsweek, and more. She is writing a YA novel Through the Mess about a teenager trying to connect with her mother despite her mom’s compulsive hoarding disorder. You can find Jacqueline on Twitter @JacquelineLeKa.