Everything, Everywhere, All At Once

I don’t particularly enjoy taking walks in parks. Please don’t judge me when I say this, but I have to admit that walks in parks often feel like a messy plate filled with all kinds of vegetables, scattered unevenly in terms of colour and shape. People running, children screaming, dogs barking… I prefer taking naps alone. There’s no room for excitement, but there’s also no room for drama. Have I ever taken walks in parks?
— No.
Do I need to, though, to judge whether it’s worth it?
— Probably. But honestly, I really enjoy taking naps. 

Before moving to the UK three years ago, I used to be THE FUN back in Greece. If you were to spell my name, it would most likely be F.U.N. Naps were boring back then; only fun existed. After years of being “FUN”, I decided it was time to switch on the “CAREER” mode and maybe avoid paying the electricity bill for leaving the “FUN” switch on. Does that even make sense? I had bills to pay and could only afford to have one switch turned on, and “FUN” was really expensive.     

No one really prepares you for what it’s like to move abroad and say goodbye to your loved ones, starting over from scratch, being again at level zero. I mean, I don’t even remember when I was at zero; even in kindergarten, I’d say I was a solid four. Don’t even get me started on primary school, where I was a ten since I played in a movie and suddenly became the new Johnny Depp in town. How would I socialise in English all of a sudden? How would I make friends? These people wouldn’t even know about my long acting career.     

But seriously, how would I ever overcome my fear of exposure? Since moving to the UK, I’ve started to think about all the ways everything could go wrong. Watching myself miss out on all the fun activities and cool opportunities because of this fear isn’t fun or cool at all. I came here because I’ve always dreamed big. I still have big dreams, but I keep convincing myself that I shouldn’t change how I perceive things and that one day, a huge opportunity will come knocking at my door. I’d be wearing white because it’s not considered a colour, and I don’t want the colour police after me on my big breakthrough. But after nearly four years, I guess my home address got lost along the way.     

Did I mention I dream big? I really do. I can see what I could have achieved if it weren’t for this fear of failure, this fear of exposure, this fear of… people? I want to be everything, everywhere, all at once. I want to make friends, land the best job, and achieve what usually takes years of hard work. Yet, if you were to hand it to me, I’d be scared to even consider it. I keep asking myself why it’s so difficult to let myself fail at something.     

Failure isn’t bad, is it? Failure is what turns this journey into a whole movie instead of just a snapshot. It’s what creates a full song instead of the same note on repeat. The inner me knows this, but my fear keeps getting in the way of what I feel I’m meant to do. As I write this while walking back home from picking up my favourite cheese and crackers, I realise I’ve walked past my house and entered the local park. I must have been walking for quite some time now, as I’ve nearly traversed the entire park. Wait, was that it? Did I just have my first walk in the park without anything going wrong? What about the messy plate of vegetables? Why does what I see look more like an art piece? Why didn’t my fear stop me? Is my fear a friend dragging me down unintentionally, but deep down, I’m the one who has to lift them up? Why do I sound so sophisticated right now? Should I consider writing blogs for mental health charities? Wow, that would be a huge step for me. But for now, this is enough. I am enough. Tomorrow, I want to be everything, everywhere, all at once, but today I just had my first walk in the park, and I LOVED IT.  

“Fun Switch” on Xoxo, S