Christian speaker, bestselling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa TerKeurst is known for being unashamedly candid with her audiences and followers. But her latest book offers an even deeper look into her personal sorrows—and how she got through them.
Lysa’s marriage ended in December of 2021, after she’d spent 29 years living with her ex-husband’s repeated infidelity and struggles with addiction. It was a tumultuous divorce that left her heart shattered—not only for herself but also for her five grown children and three grandchildren. Despite the confidence she has in her faith, her ex-husband’s gut-wrenching betrayal flipped a switch in her brain that brought on a pain she’d never felt before. She suddenly found herself experiencing skepticism and distrust toward everyone around her, and also in God.
Finding hope and resilience
Realizing how much her doubt was impacting her life and causing her to feel isolated and broken, Lysa sought help with a brain scan from Daniel Amen, MD, who confirmed the pain she experienced had caused physical trauma.
“When you go through emotional abuse, it’s very easy to convince yourself that it wasn’t really abuse. But as I stood there and looked at that brain scan, I thought, I’m never going to flinch again when I say the words ‘emotionally abused.’ I was emotionally abused,” Lysa shares. “I could see it right here on the scan with my eyes, and it helps me own the severity of how this affected me so I can stay committed to the healing process.”
As Lysa journeys toward healing, she invites women who were also hurt by loved ones or who may be in the middle of their own heartbreak to follow the road to healing with her. In her new book, I Want to Trust You, But I Don’t, she shares wise insights and encouraging words about God’s goodness that serve as a balm for emotional aches and pains. Here, she gets candid about finding comfort amid that devastation, staying grateful even though her emotional wounds still throb and how she relies on her faith to help her see the good even right where she is now.
FIRST: What has your healing journey looked like so far?
Lysa TerKeurst: “I have to pay attention to the triggers in my life because sometimes, triggers are not just reminders of what happened, they’re also indicators of unhealed trauma. I’ve come to see it’s important for me to pay attention to how strong my reaction is to various triggers. That’s a good indication of how I’m processing or not processing the places in my heart that still need healing.
“The truth is we will all be on some kind of healing journey the rest of our lives. None of us goes unscathed by relationships. If you dive into having relationships, you are taking risks. Most of us will have our hearts broken. Most of us will have trust issues. Because of that, I think it’s important for us to look for outside indications of internal turmoil that still needs to be addressed. For me, staying in counseling and making sure that I do regular check-ins with my counselor was important to addressing my triggers. Or you can find a trusted friend who can see past the facade, and know you well enough to get you to really open up.”
FIRST: After such deep heartbreak, how did you reopen your heart to love again?
Lysa: “My counselor, Jim Cress, says, ‘The sign of a healthy person is that they can be alone with their own thoughts.’ I knew that I would attract someone on my same level of emotional and mental health. Therefore, if I wanted to attract someone who had done their work, and who was emotionally stable and mentally healthy, then I needed to be at that same place. So I took two years and really learned how to be by myself, to heal, to learn to be alone, to fight through the fears and to handle the repercussions of going through a divorce without pulling someone else into the messy middle place with me.
“By the time I met Chaz, I was at the place where I was hearing much more clearly from the Lord. I could trust my own discernment again. Watching how Chaz handled my triggers gave me so much confidence in who he was as a person. Trust is the oxygen of all human relationships. Without trust, a relationship can’t thrive, and a lot of times, it won’t even survive. I think it’s good to hit the pause button, and take time to read, learn, process, heal and have our eyes open to all the various components of trust.”
FIRST: What advice would you give to women who want to build or rebuild trust?
Lysa: “I think trust is such a big word. Breaking it down into bite-size pieces really helped me wrap my brain around what I actually mean when I say, ‘I want to trust you, but I don’t.’ The simplest thing was learning that in order for trust to be built, it requires time plus believable behavior. We can’t rush this process. Our daily decisions in our relationships either will lead us into more trust with other people and let other people see that you are a person they can count on, or it will lead to more distress. Our small decisions matter.”
FIRST: You talk about “red flags” and how to recognize them. In your experience, what are the top ones you would advise staying on the lookout for?
Lysa: “One of the red flags is incongruity—when someone says who they are, but their actions tell a completely different story. Those two things should be very congruent. Our outside should match our insides.
“Another one is integrity. Sometimes people will put on a good show with integrity. But when no one is watching, what are they really doing? Another red flag is irresponsibility. This is when they prioritize doing things that are not as important, and they let go of doing things that are important. It could just be small things, but it speaks to a much larger issue. In my book, I list a lot of red flags, but I go through each one in pretty good detail to see what to look for and how it presents itself.”
FIRST: When your heart breaks, it’s easy to blame God. You talk about how this shook your faith. How did you trust Him again?
Lysa: “I think one of the biggest parts of that journey was how unfair it felt when the person who hurt me the most just seemed to be skipping on with life. I was left at home with all the kids, all the responsibilities, all the bills and the broken heart, while this other person is traveling the world and having the time of his life.
“I remember saying to God, ‘I feel like he made these choices, and I’m suffering the consequences, but he’s not.’ And here’s what I would say to someone who’s experiencing that: Give it time. Only God can address their decisions with equal measures of mercy and justice. When I’m experiencing the justice of God, I’m desperate for the mercy of God. And if I want that, I can’t want it to be taken away from other people. I’m so grateful that God knows how to address these things.
“We don’t have to understand what God is doing to believe that He is doing something. The seeming absence of God’s justice is not evidence of a lack of God’s presence. He is doing something pointed in the direction of good, even if it doesn’t seem good right now.”
FIRST: How do you stay grateful despite what you’ve gone through?
Lysa: “I would have given anything for my family to stay together. I wish I didn’t have the insights to write this book because I wish I wouldn’t have experienced this. I wish my kids wouldn’t have had to experience this. But I can honestly say that when it all fell apart, God’s promises played out in the sweetest ways. He has redeemed our hearts in our situation.
“I can see that so much good is coming from it. I’m so grateful for who I’m married to now, where my kids are at now and the beautiful family that we have now. But also, my heart still hurts for what could have been, but will never be. When you’ve gone through serious relationship devastation, I don’t think you have to choose one or the other.
“I think sorrow and celebration can hold hands, and you can acknowledge what could have been that isn’t. But at the same time, you acknowledge what is and what’s amazing about what is. I think that’s the secret to having gratitude for exactly where you’re at today.”
